


Why Dick Jokes Aren't Funny Even When Rose Tyler Makes Them

by lauraxtennant



Series: Multi-Doctor Collection [7]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Humor, Oral Sex, Romance, Threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-10
Updated: 2013-11-10
Packaged: 2018-01-01 01:57:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1038978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lauraxtennant/pseuds/lauraxtennant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten/Rose/Eleven; crack/smut.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Dick Jokes Aren't Funny Even When Rose Tyler Makes Them

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to all the rubbish sonic screwdriver erection jokes that exist.

“What do you mean by that?” he gaped at her, his floppy hair quivering about his forehead in indignation.

“Nothing!” Rose squeaked, realising that she’d made a mistake. She shouldn’t have said what she’d said. It had been…tactless.

“Well, you obviously did,” he huffed, leaning down and picking his towel back up, tying it back around his waist.

“No, no, no,” she said quickly. “I didn’t! I’m sorry!” She was starting to worry, now. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity and it was quite possibly slipping from her grasp. It didn’t help that she had her other Doctor lying next to her, his face buried into the pillow as his shoulders shook from excessive laughter.

“You’d rather that pinstriped tosser - ” he said, gesturing at the hysterical Doctor. “ - taking care of – of – of things whilst I just sit around and watch!”

“No! Course not!” she said, jumping up from the bed. She wandered over to him, dodging his discarded fez and looping her arms around his neck. Her lips twitched; it was really so very hard not to laugh, but she did feel bad for him. “I’m really sorry, Doctor.” She tried to cheer him up by nuzzling his jaw. “It doesn’t matter to me, you know. I don’t care about that. At all.” She kissed her way down his neck to his collar bone.

He sniffed, his hands sneaking up to her hips, thumbs drawing circles just above the waistband of her knickers. “But…” he mumbled. "If I'm so inadequate..."

She drew her lips down his torso as she sank to her knees. "Not inadequate," she assured him. The Doctor on the bed stopped laughing, and she heard the bed squeak as he sat up to peer over the end to see what she was doing. Untying the towel of the Doctor in front of her, she let it drop to the floor, before coaxing his erection back to life with her tongue and right hand.

“Ah, okay, well, in that case,” he mumbled, absent-mindedly tangling his fingers in her hair. “Apology accepted.”

“She really is very good at that, isn’t she?” said the other Doctor, watching her movements curiously. He unbuttoned his jacket, and couldn't resist palming the front of his own trousers.

“The best,” the Doctor agreed on a delighted sigh.

“She does that twirl-y thing with her tongue and - ” He gave himself a squeeze, remembering.

“Oh, god, yes,” he agreed, nodding quickly. “Amazing.”

Rose released him and, breathing over his tip as she spoke, she said, “She would appreciate it if you two didn’t talk about her like she wasn’t here.”

Both Doctors chuckled and apologised, assuring her that they were very much aware of her presence. The Doctor on the bed scooted forwards, sitting on the edge of the bed, just behind her. When she resumed bestowing her very special talent on the other him, he reached out and stroked her shoulders, slipping her bra straps down her upper arms. Then, he trailed a finger down her spine to the clasp of her bra, and fiddled with it to pop it open. She let the bra slide down her arms and join the towel at the other Doctor’s feet.

She felt the Doctor’s hands creep round to her chest and smiled as he cupped her breasts, palms gliding over her nipples. She tilted her head slightly and the other Doctor’s cock bumped the back of her throat, causing them both to groan. He pulled out of her mouth after that, mumbling something about not wanting to come yet. The clothed Doctor took the opportunity to pull her up and into his lap, his mouth immediately dropping to the back of her neck, biting into her shoulder when she ground herself against the tent in his trousers.

“Bed bed bed,” said the naked Doctor, grabbing Rose’s hand, pulling her off his former self and leading her around to the side of the bed. She climbed on and settled herself in the middle, head resting on the pillows as she watched them both staring at her helplessly.

Looking gorgeous and flushed, she bit her lip and then said, breathily, “First come, first serve.”

They instantly dove for the spaces either side of her, the pinstriped Doctor scrambling to remove his own clothes to equal the playing field whilst the other used the advantage of already being naked to divest Rose of her knickers and plunge his tongue in between her legs.

“Bugger, that’s not fair,” said the Doctor, watching this occur as he shuffled out of his trousers and pants at once. Finally naked, he pressed himself against Rose’s side and grabbed her into a snog, his tongue entwining with hers as his fingers danced across her chest, pinching and palming her nipples.

The other Doctor placed his hands under her thighs to coax her legs up and further open, then shuffled more firmly into place. He nuzzled at her folds and swiped his tongue up to her clit, then back down to her entrance, dipping in and out, savouring the taste of her juices. She was already groaning and writhing and he chuckled in delight that he could, apparently, still make her feel good. He glanced up and noted that the other Doctor seemed very busy with Rose’s nipple between his teeth, so he decided to one-up his former self by promptly sucking her clit into his mouth. Rose moaned loudly, her hips jerking up from the mattress, and he slid a couple of fingers into her to stoke the flames of her desire.

"Okay, that's definitely not fair," the Doctor said, releasing her nipple. "We need to switch."

"Busy," said the Doctor, his voice muffled. 

"No, no, come on - "

"All's fair in love and war," he said, humming against her. She groaned out a few curse words and he grinned again.

The Doctor shoved at his shoulder, rolling his eyes. "I can get her louder than that, move over."

Sighing heavily, he finally shifted, lifting her leg over his head and moving up the bed to kiss her. She made a gorgeous sound when she tasted herself on his lips, and the Doctor who had taken his place between her thighs growled; he wanted to be responsible for those noises she'd just made.

Feeling competitive to the extreme, the Doctor teased her with his tongue, first on her thighs, then up to her navel, then down again, down to where she wanted him, needed him. He moved his tongue swiftly inside her, his hands gripping hold of her hips tightly, his fingers curling into her bum cheeks as she lifted herself up from the bed at his excellent and fast-paced technique.

Meanwhile, frustrated that his work was apparently being upstaged, the other Doctor began formulating a plan as to how he was going to be the one to make her come first.

Rose was absolutely certain that this had been the best idea she’d ever had. Both of them, in their need to prove themselves the best, were giving her their full attention. It was glorious. He’d always been an attentive lover, but now, jesus christ was he ramping things up. She slid her fingers into the hair of the Doctor between her legs, roughly tugging at the strands as her pleasure mounted. The Doctor next to her was giving her the kiss of her life, and she could tell that he was trying to distract her from what his previous self was doing.

She knew this for a fact when he wrapped his arms around her and tried to tug her onto her side; a manoeuvre that proved futile due to the strong grip the other Doctor had on her hips, keeping her firmly pressed against his mouth at all times. After a couple of minutes, though, he took his eyes off the ball for a split second to lick his lips, releasing his grip on her. The Doctor kissing her seized this opportunity and slid his own hand down, slipping three fingers into her with ease, his thumb tracing circles on her clit. She heard the other one grumble but he didn’t fight to keep his position, simply shuffling back up so that she had one Doctor either side of her again. She realised then that she’d been quite neglecting them, and briefly took both of them in her hands to pump, unsteadily, in time to the motion of the Doctor’s fingers inside her.

Rose couldn’t quite continue that, however, not when she was being driven to mindless distraction by the older Doctor’s persistence in building her orgasm. She released her hold on their cocks and grabbed the headboard instead, her breath quickening as she approached her peak. The younger Doctor spoke words of encouragement into her ear as his hands returned to her breasts, telling her how beautiful she was, how sexy it was when she called out his name, how much he wanted her. This, accompanied by the other Doctor whispering, “Come, Rose, now,” were all it took to send her flying over, arching her back, clenching down on his fingers as she came, hard. 

Panting for breath, Rose glanced between both Doctors, feeling dizzy and sated and still so very aroused all at once. One Doctor had his fingers in his mouth, sucking firmly, groaning at her taste; the other was staring at her with a lustful expression, his desire evident, firm and hard against her hip and written all over his face.

“Okay, how are we gonna do this,” she mumbled, releasing her grip on the headboard and bringing a hand to each of their shoulders, squeezing gently. “’Cos I don’t want it to seem like I’m playing favourites. You two have gotta decide who’s first…”

Graciously, the older him insisted the other Doctor could. Or, not so graciously, actually, when it appeared that his reasoning for this was that he’d be more likely to make her come again if he went second, giving her time to recover from the orgasm he’d just given her whilst the other Doctor would quickly come to his release.

"They'll be nothing quick about it," he sniffed pointedly. He flashed Rose a grin. "Rose knows what excellent stamina I have."

"Rose also knows all the tricks in the book," said the older Doctor. "Everything about you that she could do to set you off like a teenager. This body of mine? All untested when it comes to Rose Tyler's devilish ways."

"You saying that what worked for you before won't necessarily work for you now?" Rose asked, arching an eyebrow.

“Possibly.”

Her eyes sparkled at him excitedly. “Intriguing…”

“Very,” he flirted back.

“Okay, let’s just stop that,” huffed the other Doctor, feeling left out.

“Stop what?”

“Stop flirting with him.”

“Stop getting jealous over nothing,” she snorted.

“It’s not getting jealous over nothing, it’s a quite reasonable response to the woman I – have sex with, flirting with another man.”

“Another man who is actually you.”

“Well, yes, but still - ”

“Another man who is actually you who just gave me an orgasm whilst you watched?”

“Well, yes, but - ”

“Don’t you think being jealous now is kind of a waste of time? You know, you’re gonna get to experience this again, someday, as him. How unfair is that on me, eh? I only get to do this the once.”

“I s’pose, when you put it like that…” he allowed. He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Blimey, you look beautiful. Have I said that yet?"

"Can't remember."

"Well, you are. Absolutely gorgeous." He leant in and kissed her. 

"You giving up on the jealousy, then?" she asked.

"That depends."

"On what?"

"On whether he sticks around. Can't we just -" 

"We are not ditching your future self."

"Why not? He's fully capable of taking care of his own -"

"Doctor!"

“Hello? You two finished?” asked the older Doctor. “Because if you keep up this conversation that excludes me, I’m going to take drastic measures.”

“And what measures would those be?” purred Rose, turning her head to face him, away from the Doctor she'd just been discussing him with.

He took this as encouragement and yanked her towards him, rolling onto his back and pulling her on top. 

He kissed her sternum and guided her hips, moving her against him, teasing them both and getting himself nice and slick. Rose giggled and gasped. The Rose-less Doctor scowled, watching them...his annoyance with his future self didn’t prevent him from taking himself in hand, though. Just a little bit, just to relieve the pressure. It was very...interesting, seeing her like this, with someone he knew he'd turn into, someday. 

She moaned, wanting more than the friction she was getting against her sensitive clit, wanting him inside, and so she lifted herself up to guide him to her entrance. They groaned in unison when she sank down onto him. The other Doctor removed his hand from himself and got to his knees, sweeping aside Rose’s hair to kiss her shoulder. He then removed the older Doctor's hands from her hips and decided to help them out by guiding her movements himself, kneeling behind her.

With his hands free to roam, the older Doctor cupped her breasts and trailed up and down her sides and traced the curve of her neck, delighted by every piece of her he could touch, every curve and inch of bare skin in his reach. Then, when she begged for more, he placed his thumb over her clit, pressing lightly at first, then more firmly. He knew he wasn't going to last much longer; not with the sounds she was making and the tight feel of her around him. He'd missed this. He'd missed her, so much he could hardly breathe when the thought of losing her again sharply went through his mind at that moment. He jerked his hips upwards, fucking her from below, clenching his free hand around the sheet.

The Doctor guiding her motions switched from helping her bounce up and down to pushing her back and forth slightly, encouraging her to swivel her hips in a figure-eight move. She caught on quickly and leant backwards, her head resting against his shoulder and a hand out for balance next to him. She could feel his cock pressing into her back, the glistening tip sliding across her skin as she moved. “How close are you?” he whispered, before sinking his teeth into neck. She groaned as the pain of his firm bite gave way to pleasure, ecstatic about the claim both of them seemed to be making on her tonight. 

The combination of the Doctor’s thrusting from below and her swivelling motions soon drove them both to the edge. He came first, so hard that he sat up straight and grabbed hold of her shoulders, driving her down onto him further as he spurted inside of her again and again. Rose was so turned on by this that it only took a few more swipes of her clit, courtesy of the younger Doctor reaching round to her from behind, before she was coming once more, shouting his name.

When the Doctor beneath her leant back down on the bed, the Doctor behind her lifted her up; his future self's softening cock slipped out of her and he replaced it with his own hard length, sliding into her from below whilst she sat on his thighs.

"Oh Jesus," she panted. "Just - hold on a sec, just - god."

“It’s okay, I won’t move,” he murmured, licking across the bites he’d made earlier on her neck, soothing the skin. “Just want to be inside you.”

“You feel so good,” she groaned, shifting slightly. “So deep.”

He chuckled. The Doctor who lay panting and satiated on the bed raised his barely-there eyebrows. “You better not be insinuating anything, Rose Tyler.”

She opened her eyes and shook her head at him. “You know what we just did was fantastic, so don’t you dare start being self-deprecating again.”

“Still, you’ve got to admit to the poor sod that there’s no way that he’s as good a fit as me,” the Doctor stage-whispered, punctuating his statement with a quick kiss to the shell of her ear.

“You are such a bastard,” said the older Doctor.

“No more so than you are,” grinned the younger one, unconcerned.

"You are both perfect, all right? No matter what the size of your dick," said Rose, exasperated with them. “It’s what you do with it that counts, and he for one - ” she nodded at the older Doctor, “ – has done extremely well tonight, so you can shut up or prove yourself right now,” she finished, addressing the younger Doctor.

“Don’t you need more time to recover?” he asked her, before sucking her earlobe into his mouth.

“I’m recovered,” she insisted, leaning forwards. He slipped out as she bent her body, resting her forearms on the mattress, but, kneeling and shifting forwards, he was soon back in place, groaning as he slid inside of her again.

“You feel so perfect,” he ground out, pulling back and then thrusting back in. “Just so, so, perfect.”

The other Doctor, feeling useless all of a sudden, moved closer to them, nudging his head underneath her arms to lean up and roughly take as much of her left breast into his mouth as he could.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” she groaned, and the Doctor behind her picked up his pace, his hands on her hips yanking her back and forth in time with his thrusts.

“Rose,” he said hoarsely, one hand wandering up to the back of her neck, tangling into the damp strands of her hair that clung to her skin. “Rose.”

“He’s not gonna last much longer,” observed the older Doctor, as he nipped at her chest. “Hear the strain in his voice? He’s almost there. So much for stamina.”

“Well he has been, guh, he has been waiting it out all evening,” she reasoned.

“Yeah, suppose we gave him a pretty good show, didn’t we? Not surprising that he can barely control himself now,” he replied, moving his head and swirling his tongue into her belly button.

“I – Rose, Rose,” the other Doctor gasped.

The older Doctor moved out from under Rose’s torso, sensing that he’d get squashed if he stayed there too long. Sure enough, a few more thrusts had the younger Doctor shoving Rose a few inches up the bed, and he watched as they both cried out, loudly; Rose grabbed the pillow and the Doctor grabbed her waist and in seconds they were falling, climaxing together before collapsing to the mattress in a sweaty heap. The older Doctor stayed silent, staring at them, mesmerised. 

“You are gorgeous,” he eventually whispered.

The Doctor, still lying on Rose’s back, retorted, “Why thank you.”

The older Doctor rolled his eyes. “I meant her, obviously. Rose, can you breathe underneath that useless lump?”

“Just about,” she wheezed, smiling slackly. She blew at the strand of hair that was stuck to her cheek and lips. The Doctor atop her chuckled and rolled off, wrapping his arm around her and tucking her into his side.

“That was amazing,” she grinned, as they all tried to catch their breaths back.

“Yep,” said her second Doctor, peppering her cheeks with light kisses. “Brilliant. Just…perfect.”

“Ridiculously so,” agreed her third Doctor, who squeezed her hip lightly and shifted onto his back, staring up at the ceiling with a satisfied grin on his face.

Rose turned her head to face the younger Doctor, but kept her hand stroking the arm of the older one, so that he knew she was addressing both of them when she murmured, “I love you, you know.”

One Doctor leant in to kiss her lips, whilst the other settled for her temple. “I love you too,” they both whispered, and she beamed.

“We should clean up,” she said pragmatically a few seconds later. “My thighs are starting to stick together.”

Both Doctors snorted in amusement. “Let’s just lie here for a moment,” one of them mumbled, and Rose agreed, closing her eyes, suddenly exhausted.

“All right. For the moment,” she whispered. “Then we’re taking a shower.”

::

Much, much later, when Rose was sleeping in between them, the older Doctor boasted quietly about being the one to make her come first, and the younger Doctor retaliated by bringing up their earlier conflict again.

“She was right, though,” he said. “You are compensating for something. No one has a sonic screwdriver that big if they aren’t insecure about the size of something else.”

“Hmph, at least I know what to do with mine.”

“Oi! I think going by the sounds she was making just now, I know what to do with mine, too!”

He sniffed. “But size isn’t everything. Rose made that perfectly clear, so there.”

“She still likes me more.”

“Does not,” he snorted.

“If she had a choice, she’d choose me, no contest.”

“No she wouldn’t.”

“She would.”

“Wouldn’t.”

“I’ve got better hair.”

“Better – no you have not!”

“She loves my hair.”

"Ugh."

"And I have eyebrows."

"Oi!"

“Will you two shut it?” Rose snapped, lifting her head from the pillow as she rolled from her front to her side. “I’m trying to sleep, here.”

“Sorry,” they said, in unison.

The older Doctor shuffled closer to her back, dropping a kiss to her shoulder and draping his arm over her hip. The younger Doctor grunted in annoyance. “You’re hogging her,” he whispered, curling closer into her front. Considering he couldn’t wrap an arm around her without encountering his future self in the process - something he was not willing to do - he settled a hand on her inner thigh instead, starting to grin when she shifted her legs apart slightly to allow him to touch a greater portion of her bare, still-damp skin. He nuzzled the top of her head, breathing in slowly in contentment. If it wasn’t for the pillock lying behind her, this would have been a perfect moment, he thought.

And then Rose, eager, it seemed, to have the last word, mumbled sleepily, “Only one thing that could’ve made this night even better.”

“What’s that?” both Doctors remarked, unable to think of anything that could top the evening they’d just had.

Lips twitching, she murmured, “My first you coming along for a visit.”

The noises that followed from the two men in her bed could be loosely interpreted as ones of indignation and jealousy, but Rose chose to interpret them as very good noises indeed, for her words seemed to ignite their competitiveness again. The younger Doctor immediately licked his way back down to her chest, his hand diving up a few inches to promptly slid two fingers inside her, and the older Doctor bit possessively into her shoulder before working his leg in between hers, grinding his rapidly-growing erection into her lower back. And she realised that for the next round, they appeared to be teaming up against the memory of his ninth self. Which was, though silly, going to work out quite well for Rose. Quite well indeed.


End file.
